Do Not Staple a Dead Duck to Your Essay!

Dropped acid, Blue Oyster Cult concert, fourteen years old,
And I thought them lasers were a spider chasing me.
On my way home, got pulled over in Rogersville Alabama, with a half-ounce of weed and a case of Sterling Big Mouth.
My buddy Gene was driving, he just barely turned sixteen.
And I’d like to say, “I’m sorry”, but we lived to tell about it
And we lived to do a whole lot more crazy, stupid, shit.

And I never saw Lynyrd Skynyrd but I sure saw Molly Hatchet
With 38 Special and the Johnny Van Zant Band.

One night when I was seventeen, I drank a fifth of vodka, on an empty stomach, then drove over to a friend’s house. And I backed my car between his parent’s Cadillac’s without a scratch.
Then crawled to the back door and slithered threw the key hole, and sneaked up the stares
And puked in the toilet.
I passed out and nearly drowned but his sister, DD, pulled me out.

And I never saw Lynyrd Skynyrd but I sure saw Molly Hatchet
And the band that I was in played “The Boy’s are Back in Town”.

Skynyrd was set to play Huntsville, Alabama, in the spring of 77, I had a ticket but it got cancelled.
So, the show, it was rescheduled for the “Street Survivors Tour”.
And the rest, as they say, is history.

So I never saw Lynyrd Skynyrd but I sure saw Ozzy Osbourne with Randy Rhoads in 82
Right before that plane crash.
And I never saw Lynyrd Skynyrd but I sure saw AC/DC
With Bon Scott singing, “Let There Be Rock Tour”.

With Bon Scott singing, LET THERE BE ROCK!

Mobile devices

khlayton — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:00:22 +0000

The situation.

A recent business report says that an increasing number of companies are banning the use of Blackberrys, and other related devices, during meetings. They cite lost productivity due to people not paying attention as well as clients who do feel they are being heard.

The writing.

Your task is to design a new entry for a company policy manual concerning the use of mobile devices.
Write an email memo to employees letting them know about the new change.

S’more tips

khlayton — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:36:25 +0000

Parallelism

Professional writers often string together a number of items, activities, numbers, etc. in one sentence. For example, a writer may list a number of goals for a team: “By the end of the day, we should calculate all sales figures, decide on a report format, and divide up the remaining work.” The previous sentence is parallel because each goal is stated in the same way – that is, each goal is stated in a phrase beginning with a verb: “calculate,” “decide,” and “divide.” Thus, the three phrases are grammatically the same, or parallel. A sentence is unparallel when it fails to present similar items in the same grammatical fashion. Consider examples below.

FAULTY
My degree, my work experience, and learning to do complicated projects have given me the qualifications necessary to work for your firm.

PARALLEL
My degree, my work experience, and my ability to do complicated projects have given me the qualifications necessary to work for your firm.

FAULTY
Responsibilities included:
• Serving customers
• Cash register
• Clearing tables

PARALLEL
Responsibilities included:
• Serving customers
• Working the cash register
• Clearing tables

FAULTY COMPARISON
The reason for this is that most small businesses have a lower budget for their managers than do government or industrial managers. —> Sentence compares budgets to managers.

PARALLEL COMPARISON
The reason for this is that most small businesses have a lower budget for their managers than government or industry has for its managers.

Conciseness

Conciseness is an important stylistic quality of professional writing—and an extremely high priority in technical writing. Say things as concisely as possible. In short, be brief.

The opposite of concise writing is verbose, wordy, redundant, rambling writing, using more words than necessary to communicate a message, or saying the same thing more than once. For instance, if you write in a report that:

During the time period of 2008, our company registered an increase in sales, despite the fact that, overall, the US economy was in a state of serious recession. (28 words)

then you are being fairly wordy. A more concise way to say almost exactly the same thing is

In 2008, our company increased sales, even though the US economy was in recession. (14 words)

You just chopped the original wordy sentence in half, mainly by changing wordy phrases into more concise equivalents: “during the time period of 2008” = “In 2008”; “in a state of serious recession” = “recession.”

Conciseness refers to the appropriate, efficient use of words. This includes using words that your reader will understand and, in many cases, avoiding phrases when one word will do. Conciseness is often affected by the following factors:

• Redundant/Verbose Prose

Verbose: When a defective product is discovered, a minimal amount of time should occur between locating the defective product and recording the product as defective so that the product can be reordered.

Concise Revision: When a defective product is discovered, a record should be made as quickly as possible so that the product can be reordered.

Verbose: A characteristic that renders the system development life cycle unpopular with programmers is the fact that it forces heavy documentation at all stages.

Concise Revision: Programmers dislike this cycle because it requires frequent documentation. (Source: Lanham, Richard A. (1992). Revising business prose, 3rd ed. New York: Macmillan.)

• Inflated Diction —> Making an idea more pompous than it deserves to be

Inflated: Short-term planning is foremost in the prioritization of the planning loop.

No BS Revision: Short-term planning comes first. (Source: Lanham, Richard A. (1992). Revising business prose, 3rd ed. New York: Macmillan.)

• Verbose Nominalizations —> Using a longer noun phrase instead of a single verb

“come to the conclusion that” = “conclude”
“become a participant in” = “participate”
“come to the realization that” = “realize”

airbag letters

khlayton — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:28:00 +0000

Customer Complaint Letter

Customer Service
Vanguard Automobiles of America, Inc
P.O. Box 45
Apple Valley, NJ 08014-6900
July 28, 2007

To Whom It May Concern:

I own a 1994 Vanguard Sedan, with one air bag. I have been investigating the safety problems with air bags and have become convinced that I am at serious risk. I am a small-boned woman, 5′3″. I have been trying to get my air bag disconnected, but with no success. I am aware that these problems are under consideration by the National Safety Council, but I do not want to be a casualty in the meantime. It seems ridiculous that I cannot protect myself from what has already been proven as serious injury or even death.

I write to register my concern and to ask how I can have the air bag disconnected.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

Sincerely,

[Signature]

Winifred Thompson

4421 Wright Street
West Lafayette, IN 47906

]

Customer Service
Vanguard Automobiles of America, Inc.
P.O. Box 6000
Cherry Hill, NJ 08034-6000

August 25, 2007

W. Lafayette, IN 47906

Dear Ms. Thompson

This will acknowledge your letter received by Vanguard, Inc. on July 28, 1997 regarding the air bags in your 1994 Vanguard Sedan.

We at Vanguard are aware of recent concerns about safety and air bags. We are part of a committee that is working with the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to address these concerns.

All US specification Vanguard vehicles comply with government standards. It is against the law for Vanguard or your dealer to bring your car out of compliance with those standards by deactivating the air bags in your car or instructing you on how to do that yourself.

Thank you for the opportunity to address your concerns.

Sincerely,

Vanguard of America, Inc.
[signature]

Customer Service Representative

Your Case Number: 344394

Résumé Faux Pas

khlayton — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 16:14:37 +0000

Résumé Faux Pas

Typos and Grammar Slips

“Suspected to graduate early next year.”
“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
“I am a rabid typist.”
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
“Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.”
“After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
“Accounting cleric.”
“As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.”
“Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”

More Résumé Blunders

“Fired because I fought for lower pay.”
“Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6′5″.”
“Please disregard the enclosed resume—it is terribly out of date.”
“Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.”
“Qualifications: No education or experience.”
“I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
“Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the Revenue Canada, the RCMP and CSIS.”
“Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.”
“Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”

Bad Humour

“Title: Another résumé from the ‘Profiles in Excellence’ series.”
“Note: Keep this résumé on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house.”
“Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr. Fix-it.”
“Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting.” (Translation: Short-order cook.)
“But wait…there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”
“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
“My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result in a job’—and I like your company in particular.”
“Trustworthy references available upon request—if I give them a few bucks.”
“Let’s meet so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over my experience.”

advertising and the end of the world

khlayton — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:37:12 +0000

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LstnduT3zrk

wordiness

khlayton — Thu, 21 May 2009 16:14:16 +0000

due to the fact that
because of the fact that
at this point in time
at that point in time
he is a man who
in today’s world
this day and age
has the ability
in order to
during the same time that
during the time that
until such time as
in spite of the fact that
by means of
be of the opinion that
disappear from view

tall in height
blue in color
small in size
short in length
in a hasty manner
this is a subject that
the reason why is that
the question as to whether
be under the impression that
given the fact that
each and every one
put forth an effort
empty void
past experiences